By Andrew Delaney
Mr. Levitt got convicted of simple assault and was put on probation. He appeals his conviction and most of his probation conditions. Ah—another probation-conditions appeal. We’ve already made the eleventy-billionth joke more than once, but why not make it again? There’re a lot of probation-condition cases, mm-kay?
Mr. Levitt was tried for simple assault in front of a jury. The judge’s reasonable-doubt instruction—paraphrased here with my patented bare-minimum-and-potentially-inaccurate system—was: “Nothing in life is 100% certain. ‘Beyond a reasonable doubt’ means that you’re convinced of it with great certainty.” Probably not the greatest instruction, but no objection was made, and the jury came back with a guilty verdict.
There was a sentencing hearing and the State argued for two weeks in the pokey. The defense went with a fine or suspended sentence. The judge went with a short suspended sentence, twenty days of work crew, and a fine. So the trial court placed Mr. Levitt on probation—‘cause that’s what you do with a suspended sentence—and imposed “standard conditions A through N, and also condition P.” The judge didn’t bother naming or describing those conditions, which are reproduced in the opinion if you’re truly curious, but boil down to—again using my patented system—the PO will be your babysitter; you can’t do stuff without permission; and if your PO tells you to do stuff you better do it—also, no drugs, no booze (or no excessive booze), no being violent, and no threatening people. Of course, there’s more to it than that, but that’s the basic gist.